The vision coming to my mind at Christmas. I had aged before noticing. This was written first in Japanese in December 20, 2006. Then, this was translated into English in December 24, 2006. Present by Hiromasa Noguti.
	Next year, I am 60 years old probably. I now feel really "Time flies like an arrow". By any chance, it may be it feels like that because I were spending the easy-going life until after age of thirty. Anyhow, it is certain a boy is apt to age rapidly. And, it also is certain the old man grow senile rapidly. Anyhow, I still have the many works to do. But, my will-power has withered terribly because of the poverty and the recent personal problem or other. Of course, same as many persons, I didn't feel the poverty so harsh when I still was young. However, recently, it, showing its true character plainly, gives me the terrible damage day after day. As for the damage like that, there also is the mental damage heaped in the bottom of heart for a long time because of the hope lost many times. Of course, the damage from the poverty isn't only the matters like that. But, since it feels anger for writing all matter like that, it doesn't write more than it. Anyhow, it seems to be certain the demon called poverty withers a will-power, quickening a aging. Or, there may be the person saying "don't speak such a disgraceful thing". But, since I have not guts natively, there is no help for it. And, I don't care about it so seriously. Since also the devil, often saying "don't mind about it", gives me the comfort, it would be certain I haven't guts natively. Or else, since I haven't the experiences of a success, being not under a applause for a long time, it may be I had lost guts before noticing.
	Anyhow, the various problems like that now are withering my will-power, creeping up on me together with the aging. Even if there still is the will-power into my heart a little, I often forget the idea I found before a little. Therefore, it may be hard to do the new works any more. Anyhow, it is certain the devils are sneering at me with pleasure. It is because I were the obstacle for them since I often have spoken true thing. It would be the devils living in the darkness called the falsehood are afraid of the light of truth.
	However, I am regretting only having expressed several parts of my idea in spite of spending so long times. Though I often sink into the thought about the thing, it probably can't be helped because I am a common person not having the excellent brain. Rather, I regret not having been given the proper evaluation about the thought or idea I found, fighting the poverty and loneliness. Though I got the truth like that with my intuition, it can't assert the ideas like that, and so on were explained enough if it consider my ability and the unsatisfactory study. So, it may be I am not given proper evaluation. Or else, would it be the devil tries to conceal the truth, is obstructing me getting proper evaluation ? But, for the moment, it has to say this is the utterance characteristic in the schizophrenic though it doesn't know whether I am like that or not. Anyhow, since I am not scholar or highly-educated man, am common poor man not having copious knowledge, would it be natural result that I can't get proper evaluation ? Because it seems there is the devil saying like that. Of course, I believe the eye of heavens perceives all. But, it is hard to think like that completely. Recently, many of people try to understand anything from only the viewpoint of one's convenience. So, there often is the case the suspicious opinions pretending the truth are popular than genuine truth. And, in that reason, the people now are apt to lose the respect for truth in spite of today's fine development of mass media. If it considers the situation like this, it may be hard to do argument about the opinion the poor man like me states. Or, would inferiority complex make me say like that ? Anyhow, it feels the devil is laughing with pleasure. Furthermore, it is caught to the delusion a vicious person is stealing and using the idea I found. However, would this be the delusion really ? Someone often whispers "your idea often are being stolen" though it doesn't know whether it is god or demon. If the utterance like that is stating the fact, I can't allow the thing like that.
			However, I almost haven't the ability to use one's idea for one's life. If so, rather would it be better to accept my idea is used for the society through the vicious person like that ? Since I am common poor man, would I have to satisfy oneself about the situation like that ? To tell the truth, recently I often is caught to the feeling like that. And, the devil also says "it is better to do so for you". However, wouldn't it be the too masochistic understanding ? I am not a person having not self-confidence so terribly that I can satisfy oneself with the thing like that. But, it is certain it is the unfounded self-confidence.
	However, if my idea isn't used for the society at all, it seems there isn't the meaning I was born. And, if the actual situation is like that really, I feel the shame against the gods and goddesses of the wisdom because it is that they gave me the various wisdom. Or, it may be better to say it is afraid of the gods' curse. At any rate, it is certain my works aren't satisfying the gods and goddesses. Of course, gods and goddesses would abstain from cursing me abusively. However, it feels the gods and goddesses' dissatisfaction somehow though this may be the delusion. Anyhow, the poor person like me has to stand the unfounded various pressure. So, it isn't so easy to keep the pride. By the way, how long would I be able to live hereafter ? By any chance, since I already finished getting used in possible range, would it be the weak tea like me is useless any more ? Recently, the devil often whispers to me the thing like that, creeping up on the side of my ears before noticing. In fact, in spite of many rich persons' luxurious living, Japan now is under the social atmosphere making a person say there isn't the margin able to give the useless poor person foods. Therefore, as for me, it may be hard to live so long. Well, even if it says it is miracle a poor person like me could live until now, it isn't exaggeration. If so, it may be better to say I am living because of the benefit the society gives. And, if so, should I stop grumbling over the society ? Rather should I satisfy oneself about the present situation ?
	Since recently I narrowly came to be able to feel the sympathy a person gives and also the love, it seems it thinks like that as a time though it often feel other persons' contempt and spiteful mind. Would it be I became human a little ? Anyhow, the state of mind like that is common also to other poor persons probably. It is that the poor persons are too modest against the social condition like that so much that I feel sad. If it is an animal, not a human being, and is terrible poor, it seems he robs the others of their food or steals the others' food. If so, why wouldn't many of the poor persons do the vicious act like that ? It must be because they are a human being. And, it must be because it has moral sense.
	Rather wouldn't it seem now the persons getting sizable sum of money are like an animal ? It is natural that all of the persons like that aren't similar to an animal. But, it can't assert they don't adopt the slightly guilty means for getting money and success carelessly. And, it is certain there are also the persons adopting the vicious means consciously. They are almost losing moral sense. While the persons like that walk in triumph under the bright sun, the poor persons having the moral sense come to be poor increasingly, getting oppressed and exploited. Would a society like that, for example our country be able to keep the prosperity for a long time really ? Anyhow, it is hard to keep the love for the community in the society like that. The rich persons interest oneself in nothing but the profit necessary for oneself. And, the poor persons keep on putting the curse on the society because it can't escape out of the miserable life. It seems it is natural that the spirit of cooperation is lost if it considers the social condition like that. Would our society show us what sight at future ? I am caught to the suspicious delusion about the thing somehow. Now that the time has come to this pass, I only pray that my delusion doesn't materialize any more. However, the spiteful persons and violent persons, and so on are keeping on increasing in spite of the civilized society. In other words, Japanese society now is in the situation many of people are apt to go wild at least mentally. If so, my praying like that about my delusion may go for nothing. The spiteful or violent persons aren't noticing one's spiteful mind born of their selfish desire and jealousy. Or, it is escaping out of the pricks of conscience, pretending to not notice one's guilty mind. And, also there are the persons justifying doing the vicious act, using suspicious logic without the shame. It is certain they lack for moral sense at all. It is natural that the training for self-examination is necessary for them. However, their bad mental state like that is related to the lack of cooperative spirit originally hard to keep by power. And, it also is the result brought from the certain social atmosphere. It is the social tendency making a person think it is good it can get win in argument, leaving a fact or truth. I can't think the gods and goddesses keep the silence about the thing.
			The degeneration of the city-states of when the Sophists had influence very much in the ancient Greece. And, the tragic result in the Israelite of when the people ignored the social justice and the God's suggestion, enjoying the prosperity. I am getting now caught to the vision like that though it doesn't know why. Christmas comes soon. Probably, there would be various Christmas, corresponding to each person. By any chance, there also may be a person indifferent to Christmas. As for me, though it isn't Christian, at the night in Christmas it strangely comes to be sensitive to the voice a soul gives off. Thereupon, I am thinking to communicate with the soul of the poor and pure little girl who died into the snow in the side of the house a happy family is living in. I don't allow the warped understanding about the children's story.
However, even if one time, I am now thinking I should have been in fine love really. Well, this is mere same story I say by oneself. I feel hungry a little. For the moment, I think to eat rice and natto, or other.
Cotosiro