"Behind this world." 3. The strange turn of fate. This first was written in Japanese language in 2004 year. And it was revised in December, 2012. So, this time, it was translated into English again with a little detailed contents than Japanese edition. January 27, 2013. Noguti Hiromasa.						4. Katuo's ability.
	October 2, 1999: I, to confirm the former-latter relationship about my memories, have needed longer time than I guessed. By any chance, because of the aging, is my brain in this condition? Or, would it be a temporary phenomenon? Anyhow I used to recollect easily former days in the period I still was young. Well, it is certain that it needs to cherish the brain. I am remembering almost nothing as for Katsuo's junior high school period. In those days, it was rare that he goes to the outdoor except going to the school as I was so. And, the school we entered is different from each. So, there wasn't the occasion to see him. I had forgotten him before noticing. But, when I try to raise up my memory by force, I had remembered I had seen him a few times in those days. However strangely I in those days was thinking that isn't Katsuo. It is it couldn't have the consciousness that it is Katsuo. "But why is it?" I couldn't understand the thing well even when I was the high school student. So, in the high school period I once had asked the Katsuo "How do you think about it?" tentatively. Then, he says "When I looked at you far, I was so, too!". I remember it at that time felt the strange turn of fate in between him and oneself. Anyhow, he in the junior high school period was a complete stranger for me. However, when it thinks about this problem now, it may have been the evidence that I had an interest in him ever since it was an infant. Probably wouldn't it be that at the bottom of the heart, it had wanted to play with a toy and so on together with him? However, I in those days wasn't aware of one's mind like that at all. In other words, I had created the fake relationship between him and me. And I must have been regarding the false relationship like that as the fact. So, it seems that the dilemma like that distorted my recognition about Katsuo, and made me think "that isn't Katsuo". Probably I hadn't wanted to get conscious of my dilemma at that time. Needless to say, it must have been because it worried my peace in mind is disturbed. Even now, there are the cases that it isn't aware of one's mind as a time. Would it be the child is father of the man? Or else, would it be because my passive nature pushes my true mind into the bottom of the heart? Anyhow, it was certain that I'm with the personality similar to Katsuo. If so, would it be there is his madness in my heart, too? I recently get caught to the uneasiness like that as a time. But since at the moment, I'm very normal, it would be unreasonable suspicion probably.
			When I entered the high school, it entered the oil painting's club immediately. Just then he also was there. Since it wasn't that we don't know each other at all, I came to be frank with Katsuo relatively early than the others. By any chance, it may be because it felt the loose tension characteristic to each is likable. Or else, would it be the interest in each in the infant period led us to be frank? If it thinks with common sense, it is hard to think we can be frank in spite of the passive nature. But I could get along with Katsuo strangely though I don't know why. By the way, to tell the truth, I hadn't a interest in oil painting so. Since there were the school regulations that the students all have to enter the club of something, it is that it chose the oil painting's club which looks to be easygoing. "It learns moderately, and plays around moderately". After I entered the school, at least the first term I under the shallow thought like that almost was thinking nothing about a future of mine. But, as well as the other students, it was obliged to change the attitude like that because of preparation to enter an university, soon. In that meaning, I was the pretty common student.
	However, Katsuo entered that club with the considerably serious motive, being different from me. Although I in those days knew nothing, when he entered the primary school, his mother started to work as if it is natural. So, it was rare she was in the home in the daytime. I heard considerably after that she was working to pay the loan on the new house. Because of that, he always was in the home by oneself. And, he couldn't make friends with anyone because of his passive nature. Needless to say, since this is the talk about the 1950's, the video game or other is in nowhere else but to be in the imaginary world. And, since a television in those days was expensive considerably, there also wasn't a television in his home. Although there was the radio, since it spent the electricity considerably, it couldn't listen to the radio so long with considering the power rates. It is because the vacuum tube, not semiconductors have been used, in those days. So, daytime, the radio's switch always was in the cut condition, except the time for news. His parents permitted him to listen to the radio for fifteen minutes or for thirty minutes only when the story for child is on air. But the television came to his home at last when Katsuo was the fifth or sixth grade in the primary school. However, his parents didn't permit him to see the television at daytime. Since he was very obedient, even if the parents weren't in the home, it is that there wasn't the thing he sees the television selfishly. But, it always doesn't mean he was a good boy. Since he didn't like so-called learning so, it was rare that he does the learning in the home, besides the homework. He, being in the home almost everyday, was sinking into the fancy-world while reading a book, or was drawing the illustrations or paintings and was spending long tedious time regarding them for long. His mother liked reading the book ever since it was girl. So, it seems that she expected Katsuo to cultivate the same taste as her. She often gave him the recommendable books, selecting from the various fields. "I more than everyone know the stories written for a child.". He had the pride like that secretly.
	Needless to say, it wasn't that he doesn't go to the outdoor at all. He for diversion as a time went to the square or the vacant land weeds are growing in. But he always was playing with insects, cat or frog or other, by oneself. However, he was satisfied in that for the moment. In the high school period, he once had said "I can speak with cat and insects" with the serious look. Although I thought at that time "that would be as a joke", by any chance, that may have been from the true mind. However, his mind was about to become anxious state in the period he entered the junior high school. In those days, he was thinking that one's self has the average brain and is bad looking. And it coped with the theme given from the teacher monotonously, not having a dream particularly. Rather it was spending the days like a cloudy weather. And, it seems that a trouble of something had occurred between his parents in those days.
	I remember Katsuo in the university period said "I feel the trouble between my parents gave me bad influence though I don't know well what problem it was concretely". In those days, his mother cared for him, coming to him so frequent that it looks strange. By any chance, it may be because it had left from the work. But, its cause doesn't seem to be only that if it considers the things Katsuo said in the university period. According to Katsuo, she said to Katsuo "I heard your grandmother's thankful words many times on the thing I married your father" as a time. But every time she said so, Katsuo was bewildered strangely, not knowing why she dares to say to him the thing like that. When I think about her behavior like that now, it seems that it can understand her mind. Probably she in those days had tasted the agony so terrible that it may lose one's identity, because of the trouble in between herself and the husband. So, it seems that she started to take care of Katsuo, trying to keep one's identity. However in those days Katsuo had only felt the mother like that to be annoying somehow. Or, it may be that he didn't try to see the trouble in between the mother and the father. In reality, he may have been aware of that trouble vaguely. But he pushed it into the bottom of the heart probably. In other words, it would be that he turned one's back to reality, fearing to look at reality. If it is seen in the economical viewpoint, his home in those days was going very well. In other words, they were spending the wealthy days considerably compared with the former life. By any chance, it may be that the thing brought the crack in to the marital relationship. When it considers the situation of the present society, it is possible to guess like that. Anyhow, it doesn't seem that the home environment like that doesn't influence him. His heart was about to fall into the anxious situation.
			However, he originally is quiet child. For him, it was hard to go astray. He despised a person tempting the others to evil or behaving violently so strong that it looks abnormal. By any chance, it may have been the influence from television animation. Anyhow, he in those days had wanted to keep on being good child. And it seems that he also didn't want it to be a child doing evil secretly and pretending a good child. But it doesn't know whether he in those days was conscious of one's mind like that or not.
	However whom would he have wanted to keep on being a good child for? It seems to have been for his mother in his case probably. His mother in those days kept on taking care of him as if it clings to him. Although Katsuo had hated it, as it thought, it can't make light of the influence brought from the mother. If it considers this, it may have been natural that he wanted to keep on being a good child for his mother. However, it seems that his mind like that brought him deep frustration though it doesn't know whether he was conscious of the thing or not. He in the junior high school period had turned one's back to reality, withdrawing into one's shell. Or else, it may be he, starting to notice reality difficult to see straight and being bewildered because of that, withdrew into one's shell. It was natural that the trouble between his mother and father had influenced his mind like that. Although it doesn't know whether it is the cause or not, he in those days was drawing many illustrations of ghosts or monsters besides other illustrations and the scribblings. It heard there were about ten sketchbooks those illustrations were drawn in, excluding the other illustrations. "In my heart, it seems there were the considerably pent-up feelings in those days". I remember he once had said like that as if it murmurs, though it forgot when it was. For him, the junior high school period was the Dark Ages like Middle Ages.
	Thereupon, he, when entering the high school, made up one's mind to change oneself. It is that it thought to become a painter. But, according to Katsuo, he didn't know so well why it selected a painter. "Isn't it because the teacher in the junior high school period did praise nothing except my painting? It necessarily may have not been it has to be a painter". He said so sometime. However, it apparently seems that he had the considerable self-confidence in one's painting secretly. Anyhow, to enter the oil painting club was one serious decision for him. So, it seemed that his personality started to change at least at that time. And his mental Renaissance looked to succeed, soon. I remember I at that time was caught to vague uneasiness, feeling it was left somehow when it heard his decision.
	However, his try like that miscarried, soon because of the parents' objection. "If you concentrate on the painting, you would become passive in the learning. Your now work is the entering a university. Think about the painting after you entered a university. If it is as the hobby, we'll allow it.". The parents' opinion was like that. In those days, the teacher had recognized his talent. But, it isn't easy so to succeed in the world of the painting. And everyone knows the thing. If so, by any chance, the parents' opinion may have been right. However, the parents' demand like that to him took away the chance to realize the difficulty of the thing. It is that he followed the parents' opinion without contradicting particularly. So, his gray colored student life started. He lacked the strong will. He, when promoted to second grade in the high school, started to read the philosophical books without taking notice of the learning or even novels. It was the natural course that he became perfunctory in the learning. When it thinks about it now, his behavior like that may have been stealthy resistance to his parents. It seems that it always wasn't reading with interest in the philosophy. Anyhow I also started to read the philosophical books with his influence a little. But in the case of me that was mere interest in the unknown things it doesn't learn in the school. In spite of that, I often argued about various things with him, imitating the Socratic method stated in Dialogues of Plato. However when it thinks about this now, it almost was the game, not philosophy. So, I stopped the game like that soon, to concentrate on the learning to enter a university. But it seems that he continued it by oneself ever since. It may be that his original logic and worldview kept on growing because of that.
			However, his worldview at the beginning was based on only the justice he thinks and the ideal he thinks. Because of that, the world he thinks was terribly dreamy world quite different from reality. So, his thought and behavior had lost freedom, being restricted to the very narrow world. Since he sometime had said so, it would be truth probably. "At least the subjective world needs to be open system. In other words, the subjective world has to be the world able to keep the consistency not only on an objective recognition but also on an unknown logic and also an unknown thing. If not, that world is fake surely". I remember that he said like that later. But he in the high school period, being caught to the narrow world, was thinking "my thought is complete" by oneself. And he still wasn't concentrating on the learning. Although he was supposed to be cleverer than me, he entered the university I entered one year ago. And also the Department he chose was in the Faculty of Law I have been learning in those days.
1. The sudden letter.  2. Katsuo in kid ages.  4. Katsuo's ability.  5. Lifework.  6. The wavering soul.  7. Satan's intrigue.  8. The mystery about recognition.
 
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