"Behind this world."  5. Lifework.  This first was written in Japanese language in 2004 year. And it was revised in December, 2012. So, this time, it was translated into English again with a little detailed contents than Japanese edition. January 29, 2013. Noguti Hiromasa.						6. The wavering soul.
	February 14, 2000: Since yesterday contrary to my guess, it could recollect the things necessary to write this for the moment, it could write this today somehow. That day was the last day Christmas Eve was about to come. However, since the warm atmosphere moved up from south unexpectedly, the rain had kept on falling ceaselessly though it was to be snow if it is usual. The staffs in the hospital all couldn't but feel the bad presentiment. But, in the dining hall the Christmas tree had been set on, the sufferers were taking the dinner, with bright look. Needless to say, Katsuo also was there. However, when he tried to stand up finishing a meal, a lightning flashed suddenly. And horrible thunderclap resounded immediately. Would it have fallen on telegraph pole or its transformer near this hospital? Once the panes vibrated hard, all lighting in the hospital went out. The dining hall already is in true darkness. The sufferers were looking around in the bewildered looks. And, the whole dining hall comes to be noisy, soon. If it leaves this condition as it is so, it can't assert that a serious trouble doesn't occur. One nurse telephoned to the control room hurrying, and asked it to change power generation into the power plant of one's own. However, when the person in charge fixes the cut condition of the circuit breaker, the lighting revived at once. It would be because the transformer narrowly kept its function. The nurse felt easy for the moment. But it unexpectedly notices that someone is laying down on the floor. It was Katsuo. And he already has no breath. The nurse asked an ambulance, hurrying. But Katsuo have died after all in spite of the careful care. I in those days heard the rumor that the sufferers were crying, while saying "Satan killed him" when Katsuo was carried with stretcher.
			However, what a unfortunate death it was! What kind of thing would he have thought, before dying? "I want him to have been normal before he dies even if it was in a little while". My mind shook so terrible that it thinks like that. Although the people don't so know, Katsuo had published several academic discoveries. But he isn't a scholar. And it also isn't obtaining a doctorate. Furthermore, he in those days was suffering from the terrible poverty, with no job since resigning the company. So, it is only mere dream that his discoveries be published in book form because it needs money considerably. And, since it can't pay even the money to pay to a learned society, it also can't contribute to the magazines. The money it got in the part-time job all was used to buy the books, personal computer or other, that is, the things necessary to find out the information for the study. So, he thought to use the internet instead of publishing. It is that he started to make homepage. I remember he said to me "This is my lifework" considerably after.
	He didn't try to say to anyone about his lifework at first. It is that it said even to me nothing. And, since I thought that he would be spending a hard time to find a job, I wasn't even imagining he was doing the thing like that. Not until about one year has passed since he started his lifework, I noticed he was doing the strange things, that is, the lifework. It is that he informed me about the thing with e-mail. When it sees its last line, it had stated "I felt the hesitation of informing you about this because it started this without self-confidence". I searched for his homepage at once. However, contrary to my expectancy, its contents and expression seems to be too immature. It was obvious his ability had withered. I got disappointed by him. So, I came to not read his homepage except the time he sent me e-mail trying to recommend one's new writings. To tell the truth, it is that I had doubted if he is normal. In those days, his homepages all were filled with the uncanny or weird stories, having the horrible illustrations of ghosts or other. It often can find out the words of ghost, or other even in the statements on physics. It was natural that I felt uneasy about his mental condition. However, he concentrated on one's work straight without getting discouraged in spite of my hard criticism. It seems that it was only one pleasure of him. According to Katsuo, he kept on reading the book, trying to make one's thought complete, and wrote one's thought in the papers and created his homepages even midnight, when returning to his home with jog after getting the money in the part-time job at daytime. I remember he stated in e-mail "it isn't rare to revise the homepage next day". And it seems that his works like that were continued for about fifteen years probably till he enters the hospital. Then why it can't assert clearly that it was continued for fifteen years was because he came to refuse the contact with me since then. When I narrowly could keep a contact with him, I once had been caught to one guess about Katsuo. It is that it thought that he may have resigned the company, trying to concentrate on the homepage making though it is hard to think so in common sense. Thereupon, one day I tentatively telephoned him and asked him about the thing. However he denied my guess at once. Although I asked him "If so, what is the true cause?", he doesn't answer so clear. So, I imagined that it would be he didn't go well with the boss or the fellow workers in the company. Anyhow, it would have been the bitter experience for him. However, since he at that time spoke rather with cheerful tone, I remember it thought "his mental condition would be okay" in expectancy. Anyhow, since he in the university period didn't like the learning so, it was the unexpected incident for me that he started the work he calls the lifework. And it also couldn't but think about its reason. Since I still in those days wasn't grasping his mental trouble clearly, I remember he looked to have started the lifework in question to kill time merely. And, I also remember it in those days said to him "Than doing such a thing, marry early!". Needless to say, he said "It is hard to marry without a job" at that time. Although I thought it would be so certainly, I couldn't understand his heart as it thought before. But, by any chance, it may be that I had doubted his mental condition in the bottom of the heart.
	In those days, I still was working in the certain company of Tokyo, though Katsuo had returned to his parents' home. And I, when going to Sapporo in the business trip, telephoned him and tentatively asked "Can't you go to drinking with me in this night?" But he says "I'm busy in job tonight". Although it doesn't know whether it is so really, it seems somehow or other that he doesn't want to see me. I, saying "All right, in next occasion", hung up the receiver. However it is anxious a little about what situation he is in. So, I met the old friend, Tunoyama Kiyohiko at the amusement center of Sapporo at about six o'clock night. He is the Katsuo's friend, too. I asked him about Katsuo while drinking beer. However, Kiyohiko says that it recently doesn't see Katsuo at all, and has no contact. I was disappointed a little. Katsuo in the telephone was speaking with cheerful tone today. But it seems that it was only pretending to be cheerful when it considers Kiyohiko's talk. According to Kiyohiko, Katsuo had come to hate to meet a person. Since Kiyohiko is the eldest child of the owner of the private concern, is working there, it can hear various rumors. So, he was hearing various rumors also about Katsuo. He started to talk the rumors about Katsuo, little by little.
	According to his talk, recently Katsuo often is shutting oneself into the home, without going to the part-time job. And it hasn't contact with a few friends and also hasn't a contact with woman at all. Although a few women he likes appeared in front of his eyes once in a while, it seems there wasn't that he takes a contact with someone. Would it be because he had a guilty mind because of not having the regular occupation? Or else, would it be because it tried to concentrate on one's lifework? Although it doesn't know which guess is right, he probably was feeling any woman is in the outside of his world. Would it have to think "the bent twig grows to the bent tree"? Anyhow he once went to the amusement center frequently as well as others. However, it seems to not go at all now. So, I recalled that he said "I recently isn't eating good food", before. I remember it at that time felt anxious his health. In regard to this matter, Kiyohiko stated "the neighbour people are saying he is slender considerably now". In spite of the circumstances like that, it is that Katsuo kept on doing one's lifework. However, as for his lifework, it almost wasn't known even by the neighbour people. To tell the truth, it is that he wasn't telling even his parents about the lifework in question. Since I had known the thing, there once is the thing it gave him the advice he should tell the parents about his lifework. However, he says "Even if I told them, they can't understand!". Then, he also said "So, tell them nothing". So, I told his parents nothing after all though I was troubled with this problem for a little while. So, his parents soon come to understand him as the foolish son having the habit of idleness, soon. And, at last they almost came to not talking with the son. In spite of the circumstances like that, he doesn't try to stop one's lifework. I in those days couldn't understand why he got attached to the homepage making so as it stated before. The persistent mind he has to the lifework looked to be so abnormal that it makes me think "he is possessed to a being of something". However, after a few years, his immature sentences gradually came to be easier to read than before. And I felt the thought he states came to be innovative though the misunderstanding coming from the insufficiency of the knowledge, and the mere mistakes of the writing still were seen as a time. I came to read his homepages in some way once in a while. And although I don't know why, it gets caught to the impulse to inform him of my favourable evaluation as a time. However, it is hard to expect he receives my telephone call. In those days, the person receiving my telephone call always was his mother. But she always speaks with low-spirited tone. At that time, I felt his mental condition isn't good so. Somehow it has to confirm his condition, contacting him. Thereupon, I tentatively sent him e-mail, writing my opinion on his works several times. Although it had thought it can't expect him to send me the reply so, it succeeded in getting in contact with him, soon. It is that he sent me the e-mail in the contents saying that "Yes, this is the discovery of a Nobel prize class". But to all appearances, it seems to be too much self-confidence. In that, I remember it at that time got surprised really.
			However, would it be because its expression isn't academic? Or else, would it be because a person besides me reading it was nowhere? Although I don't know why his discoveries were ignored, he died, leaving this world maybe with mortified mind. When it recollect his painful life, it feels one's heart is ready to break. By any chance, it may be that his madness was born of the poverty and the irritation that he is given no right evaluation. However, if it is said exactly, it seems there is deeper cause, not only it. And it seems to be the uneasiness characteristic in him and also the ability in question, as it thought before. It already was my firm belief. If it doesn't think so, it is hard to understand the thing he started such a lifework in spite of the terrible poverty. Anyhow, it seemed that the Satan's intrigue Katsuo stated is hiding to the undercurrent of various circumstances, for him. I once had suggested to Katsuo that he asks the specialist of how to make his works public. Needless to say, it is that it sent it in e-mail. However, there was no answer after all. "Why doesn't he answer me?". I at that time couldn't but feel an anger, thinking "Isn't he aware of my being so anxious about him?". Ever since, I didn't try to contact to him. And it also stopped watching his homepages. But one day, I recalled he have certain bitter experience. I remember it once had gone to his home a few years after he was employed by the certain company. And at that time, I happened to hear his bitter experience.
	According to him, he created new software for the game in the period that it was spending dull days because the job-hunting didn't go well, after it left the university. And it visited the B company to ask them to adopt his new software. However, they say that since it is hard to decide at once, wait the answer for two weeks. So, he waited their answer obediently. However, the letter sent to him after two weeks, was the notice that it is hard to adopt your software. If he was a common person, it would have gone to the other company. However, he didn't do so, giving up at once. It seems that his passive nature did him harm. However, after a few years, he finds his software to be on sale in certain shop. To all appearances, it is his software certainly though it was made simple a little. "It must be the B company stole my idea!". He got caught to strong anger. However, when it examines, the maker of that product isn't the B company. "Maybe the B company sold the other company it!". He, thinking so, tried to get in contact with the B company. But, the B company is nowhere anymore. And, it also can't grasp the whereabouts of the person in charge. In those days, he already had the regular occupation. And he is passive originally, and isn't taking an interest in money so. So, he gave up examining more than that. If it doesn't know his personality, it may be the dubitable talk. But I believed him at once because it is that he not others says so.
	"Hey, look at this!". He, saying so, showed me one old fashioned personal computer put to the corner of the room. And when he makes that personal computer start, green colored letters appeared on the display which looks to be like antique. It is the software in question. I got astonished with the thing he kept such a old computer until now. This seems to be the evidence that the problem on this software disappointed him considerably. However, because of his mind feeling a fear to recognizing one's disappointment, superficially he didn't look to be conscious of this disappointment so. "Well, because there is the experience like that, I can believe no one. When I start something, it always is obstructed. It may be that I is possessed to evil spirit or other.". He said so as if it sneers one's self. When it considers this kind of his talk now, it may be he in those days had gotten mental illness. There was the Satan's intrigue also in here if Katsuo says about the thing.
	However, he had strange atmosphere a person feels easy, though making me feel uneasiness about his mental condition as a time. And, actually his familiar persons often met a fortunate happening though Katsuo always was suffering from the poverty. I don't know whether their fortunate experience like that was the gifts he sent them and whether it was his conscious intent. However, it was certain that he makes a person feel easy because I have the experience like that actually. If it dares to say about it, it can say it is like the atmosphere a founder of religion gives off. I remember it once had said to him "Don't you become a founder of religion?" with the tone pretending a joke. But at that time, he grinned, saying "No, since I, short of the love, am worldly person, even if I became a founder of religion, my religion would become the fake religion, soon". And I also understood, thinking "It may be so". However, he, in spite of knowing one's self is worldly person didn't try to look for a regular occupation. It is that he kept on living like an ascetic strangely though it is hard to understand for me. Probably it would be because his mind that it is maladjusted well to the society made him behave like that. Contrary to that,as for one's discovery, he had self-confidence, so too much that it says "this is the gift from god".
			However, it seems that he was suffering considerably with the gap in between the self-confidence like that and reality he is in the poverty. And, the guilty mind to the parents, and also the irritation that it can't finish expressing one's thought. His affliction included the sufferings like that. But, it seems that the affliction like that led him to more deep thinking. And, because of such mental circumstances, he always was forced to be tense. Needless to say, it would be possible to say the tense mental condition like that kept on cultivating his abilities. But, would it be possible that a person keeps the normal mental condition, being put under the situation like that for long? In fact, he got mental illness. Anyhow, would he have kept on standing the affliction, thinking this mental tense condition how? I'm asking the soul of him about this question now.
1. The sudden letter.  2. Katsuo in kid ages.  3. The strange turn of fate.  4. Katsuo's ability.  6. The wavering soul.  7. Satan's intrigue.  8. The mystery about recognition.
 
Japanese Edition Home