"Behind this world."  6. The wavering soul.  This first was written in Japanese language in 2004 year. And it was revised in December, 2012. So, this time, it was translated into English again with a little detailed contents than Japanese edition. January 30, 2013. Noguti Hiromasa.						 7. Satan's intrigue.
	August 22, 2000: It couldn't write this for long because it was busy in the work until now. But it now feels that it needed this blank times to think about Katsuo more deeply. 1: The suffering Katsuo. Several months before Katsuo enters the hospital, I heard the rumor that he is saying "since I'm poor, I will express my gratitude with blessing". However, this utterance is problem though it seems that it was as a joke. Probably a thoughtless person not knowing his personality well would spread out the ugly rumor, saying "He became stingy" or "He isn't normal anymore as I thought before". Although I also doubted his mental condition slightly, I blamed him, saying "Don't say such a lacking of thought!" in my heart. Certainly, there isn't the thing he sent me gift or other. I knew already in the university period his habit to dislike sending a person a gift. It isn't that he became stingy because of poverty. But by any chance, would he have been stingy from birth? Anyhow, I in the university period was thinking his naive personality makes him do so. "He feels guilty about sending a person a gift". In those days, I also was understanding him like that. In the period when he was working in the company, he once had muttered "When I sent customers and so on a gift or take them to an amusement center, I feel me looking down them, become the mood to hate one's self doing the things like that", while drinking beer. But, if it is common person, it seems that it is natural mind that it want to send a customer a gift. I got bewildered, feeling for a moment he says strange thing. However, it seems that he had felt the behavior like that is same as a bribe. At that time, I sank oneself into the thought a little while. Then, I now also recalled he at that time murmured "Do I lack thankful mind a little?". It seems that he was thinking about oneself variously in the manner of him. Anyhow, his too fastidious personality like an illness is related to the wall in between his world and the outside world hard to climb over in spite of his desperate try. At least I think so.
			We are the living things doing a life with crowding as well as most living things. And in the community like that, there is the bonds called the fellow feeling. So, people help each other to live. Although I don't know about the foreign country, there is the sense in Japan that it is important to share the fellow feeling with the buyer, customer and supplier partly. However, in the case of Katsuo, it seems that the wall in question obstructed him having the sense like that. So, wouldn't it be he have wanted to exchange the information in each soul without concerning of the worldly desire? By any chance, it may be that his request like this to demand to others was born of the thinking like a dogma characteristic to him. Probably this was his firm belief anymore. But since I at that time was drinking beer, it was making light of his saying. At that time, it may be that I should have listened to him in the more kind attitude. It is because it seems that he was suffering considerably in those days. By any chance, it may be that the true reason he resigned the company was this.
	However, on the other hand, he was with the nature similar to a happy-go-lucky fellow. "If I give someone my blessing from the heart, he will get the luck he hopes" he actually may have been thinking like that. Would it be that he had the infantile character partly even now? Or else, would it be that he in those days already was about to be caught to the madness? So, wouldn't it be that he uttered the words like that before entering the hospital? Now the time passed, it can't know anymore which is truth. But, I now feel that it may be hard to assert that his utterance like that is a mere delusion though a person may think I'm saying a strange thing. When it now think about this, it recalls there often was a fortunate thing for me when it was learning together with him. Needless to say, it may be that it was a mere coincidence. However, he in the student period had given off the atmosphere so enigmatic that it makes me think so. However, how would his vague uneasiness to be symbolized in Satan be related to his infantile optimistic character? Since it seems that such two features of him are contradictory, it is hard to think that those exist into him at same time, if it thinks about this with the common sense. But, he looked to have had those at same time in reality. If so, it has to think those have a relationship of something with each. Needless to say, it also is possible to select an interpretation different from that. In other words, it is because those may have no relationship if the cause those exist into him at same time is his mental illness. But, it is hard to know which is the right interpretation. In fact, it isn't clear even now. In connection with that, I remember Katsuo had said "When I was the junior high school student, it seems there was trouble between my parents". It may be that he at that time had doubted the affection in between the parents. And, wouldn't it be that he also have felt a doubt to the permanence of affection? Or else, it may be that he at that time had known concretely what trouble occurred between the parents though it seems that he pushed this memory into the bottom of the heart. So, it may be that he felt the affection collapses easily. For him, the affection given from the mother was the important element to cultivate him. However, it may be that it shouldn't think that affection continues forever. It was certain that at least he thought so. Maybe, his optimistic character got formed by believing firmly the affection of the mother. However, the trouble between the parents started to break his belief in affection. So, it seems that the thing gave him the uneasiness of when the affection collapses. And, that uneasiness was amplified by the horrible wall in between his world and the outside world. It seems that this is the truth probably.
	For the infant, the outside world almost is unknown. And the unknown world draws the Infant's curiosity. However, it also makes him feel a kind of fear at the same time. Maybe in that reason, the relationship between an infant and the outside world is constructed under the mother's leading. In that meaning, it can say that for an infant, a mother is the existence to believe, which indicates first the way the infant understands the outside world. And, it seems that such understanding about a mother is the recognition all infants have primitively. However as for Katsuo, it was different from the common infants in that he has the thick wall in his heart. In the infant period, it wasn't frequent Katsuo goes out to the outdoor places because there was the problem in health. So, he kept on watching for long the outside world filled with light from the window of the dim room. That is his longing world to recognize. However, contrary to that, light almost isn't coming into his dim room. So, he in spite of his longing, felt there is the wall hard to climb over between his world and the outside world. By any chance, this unconscious recognition he has may be related to his weak constitution. Therefore, the affection to be poured from the mother was important for him more than the other infants. And, it seems that his unconscious recognition like that still didn't change even in his junior high school period.
	In spite of that, he has noticed there is the trouble between the parents in his junior high school period. So, it is that he started to doubt the affection it had thought there is forever till that time. But, if the affection like that is lost, the horrible wall would shut him into the dark, obstructing the course he should go on. It seems that Katsuo at that time was caught to the uneasiness like that. And, it also was the fear of losing the recognition, and probably was the fear of being swallowed to the nothingness. Or, it may be that it should say the fear of losing the affection grew to the uneasiness like that. However it seems that he couldn't finish doubting the affection. So, he probably had acted one's self who believes the affection before noticing, pushing one's doubt into the bottom of the heart. His optimism in the junior high school period had included the deceptiveness like that probably. But, it doesn't seem that he was aware of one's deceptiveness like that. It seems that it was his unconscious work. Anyhow, because of the optimism carrying deceptiveness, it seems that his mind was in the condition able to collapse easily. Probably the doubt to affection to have been pushed into the bottom of the heart troubled him frequently, appearing suddenly. And, it also can think that his passive tendency to woman was fostered because of the doubt put on affection. So, in those days, it seems that his inborn optimistic nature brought to him the optimism which carries secretly deceptiveness and uneasiness. However, in spite of the mental problem like that, it seems that it was hard that he goes wrong as it before said "I want to keep being good child". He was faithful to one's god. But, probably it came difficult to settle one's troubles as he tries to be faithful to one's god. So, it would be that he spent the days filled with trouble, without finishing settling his problems, roaming around between reality and his god. 2: Madness or truth? Probably his madness was related not only to his passive nature, the wall in question, but also to the situation like that making his mind unstable. Needless to say, he in the high school period was making the effort to change oneself. And, in those days, it as a time could see that he keeps on insisting one's thought is right even if it was hated from others. Or else, I remember he kept on doing in silence by oneself the works everyone hates in the school festival. Probably he at that time was feeling with his back his god is looking at him. By any chance, the argument he tried to the left-wing also may have been a part of the effort like that. However it seems that it couldn't finish changing his inborn personality, being unable to find light arriving at him.
			By the way, I heard he said "I may be cold-hearted man" when he was in his thirties or fourties. By any chance, I also may have heard the thing from him directly in telephone. But, it isn't clear memory. It may be that it mistook the other's talking for one's memory. Anyhow, it seems that the biased impression that it is difficult to love others was in his heart, made him feel guilty. So, he must have thought that one's self may be cold-hearted man. Certainly, in his youth period, it may have been so. I in the university period already was aware of the cold or distant atmosphere he as a time gives off. However, it seems that it came from the lack of the manner of associating oneself with others. Although even in his fourties, his thoughtless behavior still was seen as a time, he in those days looked to be rather tender for others. Since the person knowing Katsuo well also had said so, my judgement would be right probably. It may be that Katsuo realized something about oneself and others from his poverty.
	However, it seems that he was doubting one's self who behaves like that. Probably it is related to the trouble in between the parents which occurred in his junior high school period. He at that time felt a strong shock, knowing an affection collapses easily. So, it seems that he had come to doubt even one's affection. Wouldn't he have been misunderstanding oneself for long? But, it is possible to think that his timid personality made him hesitate to pour one's affection to others. Loving one person is the shouldering the responsibility for him or her at the same time. By any chance, it may be that he was caught to the impulse to escape from the responsibility like that. Needless to say, there is possibility that anyone get caught to the impulse like that. However, in the case of Katsuo, it seems that the impulse like that was strong considerably. Anyhow, he was troubling oneself for long, confused because of various problems. And, his troubles like that were related to the confrontation in between his god and Satan for him probably. If it is said about reality, it can't go with others well though it can finish doing the work well. "Satan put the transparent wall between me and others though it can do as for the work well with my effort". It seems that he had been caught to the impression like that. And, on the other hand, he also had understood oneself as a socially spoilt person. However, if it acts the defense about his impression of himself, it would have to say "he had nothing of selection else but to stand the poverty, accepting all troubles as the fact, to follow one's god obediently". And, he fell into madness at last, unable to finish standing Satan's attack. I guessed like that for the moment. But I don't know whether it is fact or not.
	Anyhow, it seems that the core of his madness can be found out of the letter in question. So, recently I often came to read that letter. And, I tried to know his mind. Or else, it may be better to say it tried to go into his mind. He is talking about the spiritual world which connects the people. Probably it seems that he was given the influence from Jung. I remember he also said "I can see the spiritual world", before. Needless to say, it may be natural to think that his madness made him say like that. But, I feel it may be true somehow or other. Since I'm the believer of Jung, by any chance, it may be that it had thought so from the beginning. So, I recalled that Katsuo often appeared in front of me when I think about him suddenly in the university period. Needless to say, it is easy to say that it is the coincidence. However, conversely it also seems that it is hard to say like that easily. It may be that he could see the spiritual world really. And, at that time, probably his mental condition was different from usual though it seems to be different from so-called madness.
	Needless to say, even if he was in the unusual mental condition, it can't assert that his recognition all is the delusion. And, conversely, when a person is in certain special mental condition, it is said there is a case that he or she notices certain special truth as a time. In other words, it is said that most of religious experience occurs under the mental condition like that. Even the discovery in natural science is brought under the condition like that as a time. For example, it is the discovery occurring in dream if it states the case drawing no problem. Probably it seems that such dream can be explained partly with scientific thinking. It is said that it is the unconscious thinking it does at sleeping. And it seems there is such a case actually. It is that its conclusion appears in dream probably. But, if Katsuo talks about it, he would say "the dream shows the discovery like that because the window called consciousness focuses on the spiritual world". And, since the discovery given from the dream like that is supposed to be subjective recognition, it is hard to assert that Katsuo's opinion is dubitable. At least as for me, it may accept his opinion in the extent of the explanation of subjective recognition. The world finally is subjective world which includes objective recognition which should be adopted to subjective recognition because objective recognition originally is object for subjective recognition. If it considers this viewpoint, by any chance, it is that his opinion may be right as the explanation of subjective world. Probably, he went into one's mind recklessly, without thought, and advanced toward the bottom of the heart blindly. However, he collides with the mental and logical contradictions, soon. So, he, while thinking about the contradictions like that, went to the depths of the heart furthermore, trying to find the sure truth. And, he soon notices one's self is cognition-subject. Furthermore, he also realized that all objects for cognition-subject not only are the outside world but also are one's mind. For Katsuo, cognition-subject is the will to want cognition. And the spiritual world is spreading behind him though in front of him, material world is spreading. So, he thought that it may be possible to see the spiritual world if the window called consciousness can be turned to the spiritual world. In this case, since it becomes hard to see the spiritual world as his consciousness is caught to the material world, it has to pay attention to this tendency. His thought was like that probably. Furthermore, he actually tried to see the unknown world with turning the window called consciousness to the spiritual world consciously, based on such thought. It would be because he was aware of one's possibility like that though it can't assert that it was the conscious work. And, he succeeded in that try probably. However, it wasn't that he could do so, with regular religious training. In that reason, he often roamed around the spiritual world and stepped into the place full of demons. Or, the road he should go was obstructed by Satan as a time. In spite of that, he realized there is the Satan's intrigue, while fighting the monstrous beings and demons, or while escaping the insistent chase. However, his realization like that is noticed by Satan, soon. So, he was held in the mental hospital. I had accepted the fancy like that as if it is the fact before noticing.
			It seems that no one denies all phenomenons occur in this world, based on causation and logical relationship. However, it can't assert that the other elements aren't related to phenomenons like that. Our recognition is restricted by the ability of our five senses, ability of our brain, or other. If it considers it, it is possible to think that this world is moving, based on something we can't grasp with our ability. In other words, it can't assert that this world has no relationship different from logical relationship and causation. If it is said from the viewpoint of our recognition, it is that we are forced to understand this world, depending on only causation and logical relationship. If so, even if someone believes there are the god and Satan, it also can't assert that it is the misunderstanding. It seems that Katsuo had thought that for us, the god and Satan are real existence impossible to recognize directly. But even if his thought is right, as for existence of the god and Satan, it has to be argued, based on the concept of possibility. Although I now thinks so, I still can't judge whether this conjecture really is right or not. If it asks Katsuo about this, what would he say?
1. The sudden letter.  2. Katsuo in kid ages.  3. The strange turn of fate.  4. Katuo's ability.  5. Lifework.  7. Satan's intrigue.  8. The mystery about recognition.
 
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