"The being behind this world. "   5. Lifework. This first was written in Japanese language in 2004 year. Then, this time, it was translated into English again. December 26, 2015. It changed the title, in my convenience, and corrected the unsatisfactory parts of English in the extent of my knowledge. It added the several URL to link up in July 19, 2016. It fixed the language of html in February 9, 2017. Noguti Hiromasa.						Home for the English edition. 6. The wavering soul.
	February 14, 2000: Yesterday contrary to my negative guess, it could recollect the things necessary to write this for the moment. So, now it will write the thing which should write this today. That day was the last day Christmas Eve was about to come. However, since the warm atmosphere moved up from south unexpectedly, the rain had kept on falling ceaselessly though it was to be snow if it is usual. Peal of thunder often is heard far. The hospital's staffs and a part of patients couldn't but feel uneasy somehow. But, in the dining hall the Christmas tree had been set on, many patients are taking the dinner, with bright look. Needless to say, Katsuo also was there. However, when he tried to stand up finishing a meal, a lightning flashed around the hospital suddenly. And horrible thunderclap resounded immediately. Would it have fallen on telegraph pole or its transformer near this hospital? Once the panes vibrated hard, all lighting in the hospital got down. The dining hall already is true darkness. The patients were looking around with the bewildered looks. There are the patients who are shouting the thing vague of meaning. The whole dining hall had come noisy. If it leaves this condition as it is, it can't assert that a serious trouble doesn't occur. One nurse telephoned to the control room hurrying, to ask the person in charge to change power generation into the power plant of one's own. But before it hears the voice of the person in charge, All lighting in the hospital revives. Then, the nurse heard soon the person in charge who says "I fixed the breaker, is there problem else?" in telephone. It seems that the transformer narrowly kept its function. The nurse got relieved for the moment. But it unexpectedly notices that someone is laying down on the floor. When one nurse, running to someone in question, holds him in her arm and looks, that was Katsuo. Although the nurse ascertained the breath, apparently he already has no breath. The nurse asked an ambulance, hurrying. However Katsuo have died after all in spite of the careful treatment though he was carried to the general hospital at once. In those days I had heard the rumor that the several patients were crying, while saying "Satan killed him" when Katsuo was carried with stretcher. However, what a regrettable death it was! What on earth did he think, before dying? "I want him to have been normal somehow before it dies even if it was in a little while". My mind shook so terrible that it thinks so. Although the people don't so know, Katsuo had published several academic discoveries. But he isn't a scholar. And it also isn't obtaining a doctorate. Furthermore, he in those days was suffering from the terrible poverty, with no stable job though often getting a little money in a part-time job since resigning the company. Needless to say, it is only mere dream that his discoveries be published in book form because it needs money considerably. And, since it can't pay even the money to pay to a learned society, it also can't contribute to the magazines. The money it got in the part-time job all was used to buy the books, personal computer or other, that is, the things necessary to find out the information for the study. So, he thought to use the internet instead of publishing. It is that he started to make homepage. Although it seems that the reason why he selected homepage as the means to show one's opinion wasn't only the poverty, I remember he said to me "This is my lifework" considerably after.
The origin of Japanese culture.			He didn't try to say to anyone about his lifework at first. It said to even me nothing. And, since I thought that he would be spending a hard time to find a job, I wasn't even imagining he was doing the thing like that. Not until about one year has passed since he started the work like that, I could know he was doing the strange things, that is, the lifework. It is because he informed me about the thing with e-mail. When it sees its last line, it had stated "I had felt the hesitation of informing you about this because it started this without self-confidence". So, I searched for his homepage, could find out it relatively easily. However, contrary to my expectancy, its contents and expression seems to be too immature. I, feeling that his thinking ability withered terribly, fell into the bottom of despair. Really I got disappointed by him at that time. So, since then for long I came to not read his homepage except the time he sent me e-mail trying to recommend one's new writings. To tell the truth, it seems that the anxiousness he may not be normal anymore was the problem more serious than the degeneration of his thinking ability for me. In those days, his homepages all were filled with the uncanny or weird stories, having the horrible illustrations of ghosts or other. It often can find out the words of ghost, or other even in the statements on physics. It was natural that I felt uneasy about his mental condition.
	However, he concentrated on one's work straight without getting discouraged in spite of my hard criticism. It seems to be because that was only one pleasure for him. According to Katsuo, he kept on reading many books, trying to make one's thought complete, and wrote one's thought in the papers and created his homepages even midnight, when returning to his home with jog after getting the money in the part-time job at daytime. Furthermore, it wasn't really rare that he uploaded the revised homepage next day of the day it uploaded new homepage. Although it is the reason why I know the thing, it was because Katsuo informed me with e-mail whenever he uploaded the revised edition. And his works like that were continued for about fifteen years probably till he enters the hospital. However, in those days, there was the period it can't know about him well. It was because he came to refuse the contact with me when time went on a little since then. In the period that narrowly I still could keep a contact with him, I once had guessed that he may have resigned the company, trying to concentrate on the homepage creating though it isn't a common-sense idea. Thereupon, one day I tentatively telephoned him and asked him about the thing. However he denies my guess at once. Although I asked him "If so, what is the true cause?", he didn't answer so clear. Although this is my guess, it seems that he resigned because he didn't go well with the boss or the fellow workers in the company. Anyhow, it would have been the bitter experience for him. However, since he at that time spoke rather with cheerful tone, I remember it thought "his mental condition would be okay" in expectancy. Anyhow, since he in the university period didn't like the learning so, it at first was the unexpected incident for me that he started the work he calls the lifework without stable job. And it also couldn't but think about its reason. Since I still in those days wasn't grasping his mental trouble clearly, I remember he looked to have started the lifework in question to kill time merely. And, I also remember it in those days said to him "Than doing such a thing, marry early!". Needless to say, he said "It is hard to marry without a job" at that time. Although I thought it would be so certainly, I couldn't understand his true mind, thinking "Why do you continue to do the useless work at the terrible circumstances like that?". And I had doubted his mental condition in the bottom of the heart a little. However, since he already wasn't the student, there almost aren't the chances it sees him. Somehow, I couldn't tell him "Go to mental hospital for examination" even if it says, pretending a joke. In those days, I still was working in the certain company of Tokyo though Katsuo had returned to his parents' home which is in Sapporo. Since I in those days often went to Sapporo for the business, one day I, before going to Sapporo in the business trip, telephoned him and tentatively asked "Can't you go to drinking with me in this night?". However he says "I'm busy in job tonight" with the vague tone. Although it doesn't know whether it is so really, it seems somehow or other that he doesn't want to see me. I, saying "All right, I'll see you in next occasion!", hung up the receiver. However it is anxious a little about what situation he is in. So, I met the old friend, Tunoyama Kiyohiko common to Katsuo at the amusement center of Sapporo about six o'clock at night. And, I took him to the amusement center called Susukino after the business, and asked him about Katsuo while drinking beer.
	However, Kiyohiko says that it recently doesn't see Katsuo at all, and also has no contact. I was disappointed a little, thinking "it may be hard to hear the present situation of Katsuo". Today morning Katsuo in the telephone was speaking with cheerful tone apparently. But probably it was only pretending to be cheerful when it considers Kiyohiko's talk. However, it wants to hear more detailed talk. Thereupon at once I, regarding Kiyohiko's eyes after saying "I'm worried about Katsuo", asked, saying "about him anything aren't you hearing?". Then, Kiyohiko with having cloud to the face started to speak slowly, while selecting the words to use. Since Kiyohiko is the eldest child of the owner of the private concern, is working there, it seems that it can hear various rumors. So, he had known various rumors also about Katsuo. So, he had known various rumors also about Katsuo. According to Kiyohiko, recently Katsuo, coming to dislike a person terribly, often is withdrawing into his home, without going to the part-time job. And it hasn't even contact with a few friends. furthermore I heard that he didn't try to take a contact with woman after all though there were a few women he came to like. Is it because he had a guilty mind for woman because of not having the regular occupation? Or else, is it because it tried to concentrate on one's lifework?							Ghosts are necessary for persons, too.
	Although it doesn't know which guess is right, it seems that he probably was feeling any woman is in the outside world which is across the transparent wall. It must be he couldn't imagine one's self who has contact with the woman who is in the outside world. Is it "the bent twig grows to the bent tree"? Anyhow he once went to the amusement center frequently as well as others. However, "I heard he doesn't go at all now" Kiyohiko says. So, I recalled that he said "I recently isn't eating good food", before. Since maybe his eating habit now would be same as that time, it feels anxious his health. In regard to this matter, Kiyohiko stated "the neighbours are saying he is slender considerably now" with the anxious look as if it backs up my guess. Although it doesn't know whether Kiyohiko know, in spite of the circumstances like that, Katsuo kept on doing one's lifework. So, I tentatively asked Kiyohiko whether Katsuo has a hobby of something or other. But, he says "I have never heard the talk like that". To all appearances, there doesn't seem to be rumor about Katsuo's lifework. If so, even the neighbours are supposed to know nothing as for his lifework. On the contrary, it seems that he isn't telling even his parents about the lifework in question, yet though he seems to have thought that it is hard to tell the parents. Needless to say, I was aware of the awkward relationship in between him and his parents considerably before. So, although I recalled, I once had given him the advice that he should tell the parents about the lifework. However, he says "Tell them nothing because they can't understand even if I explain". So, I could tell his parents nothing after all though I wavered for a little while in my judgement. According to Kiyohiko, his parents soon, come to understand him like the foolish son having the habit of idleness. Then, they came to almost not talking with the son at last. In spite of the circumstances like that, he still doesn't try to stop one's lifework. I in those days, before noticing, had murmured in the bottom of the heart "Why does he get attached to this lifework so?". His mind attached to the lifework looked so abnormal that it makes me think "he is possessed to something".
The physical world the cognition-subject sees.			However, after a few years, his immature sentences gradually came to be easier to read than before. And I come to feel the thought he states came to be innovative though the misunderstanding coming from the insufficiency of the knowledge, and the mere mistakes of the writing still were seen as a time. I came to read his homepages in some way once in a while though it didn't read the description of his epiphany it finds out as a time, under the understanding that he isn't normal anymore. And although I don't know why, it gets caught to the impulse to inform him of my favourable evaluation as a time. However, in those days it yet is in the situation difficult that it expects him to receive my telephone call. So, whenever I phones him once in a while, the person to receive my telephone call always was his mother. Furthermore, she always speaks with low-spirited tone. So each time I speak with her, I used to feel his mental condition isn't good. Somehow it has to confirm his condition, contacting him. I often came to get caught to the impulse like that. Thereupon, I tentatively sent him e-mail, writing my opinion on his works several times. Although it didn't expect him to send me the reply so, fortunately it succeeds in getting in contact with him, soon. He sent me the e-mail stating that "Yes, this is the discovery of a Nobel prize class". But to all appearances, it seems to be excessive self-confidence. And, the gap between Katsuo's low-spirited heart and his too excessive self-confidence. "Where does this gap come from really?". I, thinking so, got amazed really.
	However, is it because its expression isn't academic? Or, is it because a person besides me reading it was nowhere? Or else, is it because the works which were uploaded in the homepage aren't an object of valuation? Although I don't know its reason clearly, he died, leaving this world with disappointing mind probably. When it recollect his painful life, it feels one's heart gets broken. Although I once had thought that by any chance, it may be that his madness was born of the poverty and the irritation that he is given no right evaluation, it was my misjudgement probably. I rethought about the thing, thinking "his madness isn't so simple". His madness must be related to the uneasiness characteristic in him and also the special ability in question he has. It already was my firm belief. If not, there isn't supposed to be the thing that he starts such a lifework in spite of the terrible poverty. Although it hope it is only Katsuo's delusion, it seemed that the Satan's intrigue Katsuo stated is hiding here and there, for him. I once had sent e-mail to Katsuo, writing that you should ask the specialist of how to make his works public. However, he didn't send me the reply after all, as I guessed. "Why doesn't he answer me?". I at that time felt an anger, thinking "Isn't he aware of the thing I'm this anxious about him?". Although at the same time, it could guess his pent-up twisted mind, I didn't try to contact to him, ever since. And it also stopped watching his homepages. But one day, I suddenly recalled he have certain bitter experience. When I happened to go to his home a few years after he was employed by the company, it is that there I heard his bitter experience. According to him, he once had created new software for the game in the period that it was spending dull days because the job-hunting didn't go well, after it left the university. And it visited the B company to ask them to adopt his new software. It seems that it probably was considerably later than the period the invader-game was popular. However, they say that since it is hard to decide at once, wait the answer for two weeks. So, he waited their answer obediently. However, unfortunately the letter sent to him after two weeks, was the notice that it is hard to adopt your software. If he was a common person, it would have gone to the other company. However, he didn't do so, giving up at once. It seems that his passive nature did him harm. However, after a few years, he finds his software to be on sale in certain shop. To all appearances, it is his software certainly though it was made simple a little. "It must be the B company stole my idea!". He got caught to strong anger. However, when it examines, the maker of that product isn't the B company. "Maybe the B company sold the other company it!". He, thinking so, tried to get in contact with the B company. But, the B company is nowhere anymore. And, it also can't grasp the whereabouts of the person in charge. In those days, he already had the regular occupation. And he is passive originally, and isn't taking an interest in money so. So, he gave up examining more than that. If it doesn't know his personality, it may be the dubitable talk. But I believed him at once because it is that he not others says so.
	"Hey, look at this!". He, saying so, showed me one old fashioned personal computer put to the corner of the room. And when he makes that personal computer start, green colored letters appeared on the display which looks to be like antique. It is the software in question. I got astonished he kept such a old computer until now because of the thing. This seems to be the evidence that in those days the problem on this software disappointed him considerably. However, he didn't look to be conscious of this disappointment so. It seems that it was because he unconsciously feels a fear to recognizing one's disappointment. "Well, because there is the experience like that, I can believe no one. When I start something, it always is obstructed. It may be that I'm possessed to evil spirit or other.". He said so as if it sneers one's self. When it considers this kind of his talk now, it may be that he in those days had gotten mental illness. There was the Satan's intrigue also in here if Katsuo comments about this unfortunate situation, now.						Civilization and living body.
	However, he in spite of making me feel anxious of his mental condition, had strange atmosphere it makes a person relieve. And, his familiar persons often met a fortunate happening though Katsuo always was suffering from the poverty. I don't know whether their fortunate experience like that was the gifts he sent them and whether it was his conscious intent. However, it was certain that he makes a person feel easy because I have the experience like that actually. If it dares to say about it, it can say it is like the atmosphere a founder of religion gives off. I remember it once had told him "Don't you become a founder of religion?" with pretending a joke. But at that time, he grinned, saying "Er, since I'm worldly person short of love, even if I became a founder of religion, my religion would become the fake religion at once". And I also understood, thinking "It may be so". However, he, in spite of knowing one's self is worldly person didn't try to look for a regular occupation. It is the fact that he kept on living like an ascetic strangely though it is hard to understand for me. Probably it seems that his mind that it is maladjusted well to the society made him behave like that. Contrary to that,as for one's discovery, he had self-confidence, so too much that it says "this is the gift from god".
The true character of object for cognition.			However, it seems that he was suffering considerably with the gap in between the self-confidence like that and reality he is in the poverty. And, the guilty mind to the parents, and also the irritation that it can't finish expressing one's thought. His affliction included the sufferings like that. But, it seems that the affliction like that led him to more deep thinking. And, because of such mental circumstances, he always was forced to be tense. Needless to say, it would be possible to say the tense mental condition like that kept on cultivating his abilities. But, would it be possible that a person keeps the normal mental condition, being put under the situation like that for long? In fact, he got mental illness. Anyhow, would he have kept on standing the affliction, thinking this mental tense condition how? I'm asking the soul of him about this question now.
1. The sudden letter.    2. Katsuo in kid ages.    3. The strange turn of fate.    4. Katsuo's ability.    6. The wavering soul.    7. Satan's intrigue.    8. The mystery about recognition.
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